Category: Trust God

Now I lay me down to sleep…

Now I lay me down to sleep…

Does anyone else remember this prayer? I’m sure there are variations, but the version I remember goes as follows:

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night, and wake me with the morning light. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I remember repeating it as a child at night, but I don’t recall teaching it to my children. Why?

Well, it’s a bit dark…all that dying in your sleep stuff. Not exactly the thought you want to implant in your child’s mind to send them into peaceful dreams.

However, I have been drawn back to it recently at this strange phase of my life. For a couple years, I have been dealing with a heart condition diagnosed as microvascular coronary vasospasms. It is not something that can be surgically fixed; it has to be managed with medication. Unfortunately, the condition keeps catching up to the medication. The bottom line is that a severe heart spasm can cause a heart attack and kill me. The other fun fact is that for me the spasms usually hit me around 4-5 am, and some have been pretty bad.

So here I am- strange how full circle this feels- praying “if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

Most of the time, going about my day, I don’t really think about dying. I believe my heart is “right” with God, or maybe more accurately, His great grace covers my multitude of failure, sins, mistakes, and downright stupidity. O how I love Jesus- because He first love me! (Wow! That early childhood stuff is really coming back!)

I have at least on one occasion when my husband was traveling woken up in a panic with the thought, “If I die in my sleep, no one will know!” Not sure why that thought was so overwhelming since logically if I’m dead I would be beyond caring. Still…

The funny thing is- based on my Psychology/counseling training- the best thing to do with an overwhelming fear is to tell someone. Naming it- disarms it. For example, a person who feels suicidal is less likely to do it if they tell someone.

So, I told my husband- he freaked out- I got lots of calls and attention from my boys. Actually…it was great! But I really wasn’t trying to scare them; just cope with my own head.

So, why am I writing all this? First of all, because putting it down in writing is how I have always coped with overwhelming things. Second of all, just in case, I want my friends and family to know that I love you all! I realize I have often failed to do that well, and I pray that God will give you the grace to forgive me.

I have a good Dr., thank the Lord, and I still plan to live for many years. I have goals. I’m attempting to live more fully in each moment. The hard parts are-

letting others do things for me,

worrying about who will take care of the people I love if I am not here,

feeling I must be failing God because I cannot DO all the jobs anymore.

I have a reminder on my phone now that goes like this:

Thank you for listening. You are loved!

Do Not Be Afraid

I know, that’s what it says, at least 365 references in scripture to admonish us not to be afraid. But seriously?! When the world seems to be falling apart? People are dying from something we can’t seem to stop or understand. People on the margins are losing their means to support themselves and their families. Racial injustice has led to despair and violence to destruction in our cities. Strong countries are preying on the weak and stripping them of their freedoms and autonomy.

How do we, in the midst of all this, not be afraid?

Let me confess that I do not consider myself to be a brave person. Fear is an issue for me, and so anything I have learned regarding it has come as a result of my personal struggle with it. For me, it all comes down to the following question: Do I choose to trust God, who says I do not need to be afraid?

I have found the writings of Henry Nouwen helpful in this struggle.          

“Our fear of illness, death, and the future takes away our freedom and gives our society the power to manipulate us with threats and promises. When we reach beyond our fears to the One who loves us with an everlasting love, then oppression, persecution, and even death are unable to control us. All forms of evil, illness, and death lose their final power over us. We come to the knowledge – a knowledge of the heart more than of the mind—that we are born out of love and will die into love, that every part of our being is rooted in love, and that nothing can separate us from the love of God…”

Romans 8:35-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;

 we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

The hard part for me regarding those verses is that it doesn’t say that if I love and follow God, I get to escape all those bad things.

It says that EVEN IN all those bad things, I can live with the certainty that I am loved by God and, therefore not abandoned. Not only that, but somehow through Him who loves us, we are able to conquer/overcome all those things.

How in the world?!

“To the degree we are dead to the world, we can live creatively in it. To the degree that we have divested ourselves of false belongings, we can live in the midst of turmoil and chaos. And to the degree that we live free of fear, we can move into the heart of danger. Thus, prayer is the basis and source of all action.” Henri Nouwen

In other words, if I am relying on/trusting in anyone or anything in the world around me, that is a false belonging!

The only times and there are painfully few for 50+ years of living that I have been able to push through my fears and be brave in the face of danger- it was because I had an overwhelming sense of being compelled by the love of God.

My experience leads me to conclude as Nouwen did that a life saturated with prayer- conversation, communion, and connection with God is the only way possible to live as an overcomer in a world of fearful things.

Matthew 28:18-20 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

We do not get to run away and hide!

We do not get to arm ourselves and defend ourselves against our neighbors! It’s impossible to fulfill Christ’s final command with that mentality! It can’t be “us” against “them” because the THEM is who we are supposed to be baptizing and teaching!

I know that for myself- it is only when I get close enough to hear the heartbeat of God for a broken world that I am not afraid.

I Sing!

In the midst of the raging storms of life,

Battered on all sides by injustice and strife, 

Threatened within by my own fear and doubting, 

I flee for refuge to the shelter of Your wings.

There within the shelter of the Almighty God, I sing.

I sing with a voice that is weak and tearful,

A song from a heart that is trembling and fearful.

You are my Rock, my Fortress, and my Foundation.

You are my Strong and my loving Salvation. 

You are my God, and I rest in You alone.

So, I sing in the shadow of Your wings,

Wrapped in the warmth of love never failing,

Absorbing the strength and peace of Your Presence,

Trusting my ways to Your faithful guidance,

Listening to the heartbeat of God, I sing!

(Meditation on Psalm 61, 62, 63)

Starting Over


For those of you who have followed this blog in the past, “Hello again.” Life has been quite hectic for the past few months, so I hadn’t been checking the blog very regularly. When I did- imagine my alarm to find that it had been removed. Apparently, I had missed a renewal payment and discovered that not only was it not functioning, but also that restoring it was not possible and the only real option was starting over. In order to return credibility to my name on internet searches, (it is alarming to find your name mentioned with warnings as a possible source of malicious internet activity) I’m trying to start over.

This whole process of starting over has gotten me thinking. It is a new year, and that would seem to be an appropriate time to begin again in many areas of my life. Sigh…but it’s not easy. Restarting the blog is easy by comparison even though I am technologically incompetent. Words like “adventurous, spontaneous, rash”, left my vocabulary as descriptions of myself with about the birth of my first child.

The greatest new beginning is our salvation, 2 Corinthians 9:7 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” God is the only one who can give us a genuinely new start and even though we are forgiven and He is merciful, He doesn’t always choose to deliver us from the earthly consequences of our wrong choices whether they were sinful or not.

Here are some points I am trying to learn:

  1. Acknowledge what went wrong the first time. Something vital was ignored, neglected, destroyed by myself or in conjunction with someone else. Even if I was completely innocent, which is rarely the case, if it is no longer fixable it’s time to stop crying over it like Samuel did Saul- go anoint the new direction and start over (1 Samuel 16:1).
  2. The second is like unto the first. Letting go of failure-refusing, if God has forgiven me, to keep on flogging myself. (1 John 3:20)
  3. Forgiveness of others which includes letting God weed out the bitterness. God has to pull this one, I’m not strong enough.  Forgetting is not always possible but, when it all comes flooding back if God can enable me to see the other person through His eyes- I cannot help but feel compassion. How does God see that person?
  4. Moving forward into an unknown future with a renewed commitment to God that trusts Him enough to risk relationships even if that trust is violated. The older I get, the more I realize that in this sinful, fallen world -hurt is inevitable! Either I curl up and crawl away to hide, or I have to trust the NEVER-FAILING love of God, allow Him to deliver justice on my behalf, and trust that He WILL make ALL things work together for my good. If I cannot do that, I will withdraw and avoid people the rest of my life- cause they just mean sometimes! *
  5. I must admit- I cannot do it all! I don’t think that I ever really thought I could…I was just so busy trying to that I never stopped to admit it wasn’t working. I am not able to do every job at the church, be on call 24-7, be made-up, fixed up and show up for every need I encounter. It isn’t even a matter of compassion fatigue anymore, although I have been there, it is simply physical fatigue at this point. I have to sleep right, eat right, and know my limitations, or it (meaning me) is just going to hurt. Besides, since when was God only able to use me? If I do it all, others will never get a chance to step into the place God has for them. I don’t want Him to have to move me out of the way.
  6. Last but not least. If I am going to start over, I’m going to need somebody smarter than me. Not just the helpline tech guys I have been harassing for a week, poor things. The older I get, the more I realize how flawed I am. “I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do” now as much as I did when I was 16 and not listening anyway. But I also know that EVERY other human’s reasoning can be as convoluted as mine! It is only the wisdom from above that is “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17. I want to listen to that voice!

Starting over can be a process that as my granddaughter says, “It takes 2-ever”. 2-ever or 4-ever, change is never easy. But I know that He who began the good work in me doesn’t have to start over because He has never stopped and He never will. (Philippians 1:6)

*Please do not stay in an abusive situation. You can work on forgiveness and learn to trust God much better from a safe place!