Being an introverted person, I have often found myself in social situations where I felt out of my depth. However, I have also enjoyed playing parts in dramas, and amateur church theatre productions; so even if it the settings were uncomfortable I could usually fake it. Maybe the demands of living in another culture have made it too much of a constant challenge or I am just getting too old to keep up the fronts, but I seem to be failing at it miserably lately.
I find myself in more and more settings where I seem to fit like a square peg in the proverbial round hole. For a person who chronically struggles with attempting to please people and live up to their expectations the result is that I feel perpetually like I am failing God and others. I just could not find my footing, my place to stand; my way to be that did not disappoint and aggravate those around me.
As I walk away for yet another social debacle, I find myself thinking of Christ’s words from the cross when He said, Luke 23:34 “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” If Christ could forgive those who were killing him because they thought they were disposing of another traitor; surely He can forgive me. I know I have not been what others expected me to be; I just did not know what to do! Every attempt to fit the prescribed box has left me feeling frustrated, and others irritated. I could not figure out the role. In the process, I have let people down and tarnished my witness of the love of God. Can I be forgiven for not knowing what to do?
There are times in life when the way before us seems so confused that to move in any direction seems impossible. In these moments, I long for a Joshua encounter.
Joshua 5:13-15 (ESV)
13 When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, “Are you for us, or for our adversaries?” 14 And he said, “No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.” And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, “What does my lord say to his servant?” 15 And the commander of the Lord’s army said to Joshua, “Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so.
It has become irrelevant who is right or wrong, who is on what side; please God just show up and take over this battle. My shoes are off, and my face is in the dust. I confess I do not know how to tear down these Jericho walls. Please forgive me, when I don’t know what I should be doing!
So, I must trust, Romans 8:26, 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
Please Spirit of God; intercede according to what is the will of God for I don’t know what to do!
Take heart my friend,
we’ll go together
This uncertain road that lies ahead
Our faithful God has always gone before us
And He will lead the way once again
Take heart my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God’s love, in God’s grace
Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night
If we should falter when trouble surrounds us
When the wind and the waves are wild and high
We will look away to Him who rules the waters
Who spoke His peace into the angry tide
He is our comfort, our sustainer
He is our help in time of need
And when we wander He is our shepherd
He who watches over us, never sleeps
Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night
Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night
By Fernando Ortega ©2011